Daydreaming...

If I ruled the world…

All children’s pants would be adjustable waist. No exceptions. Really…this can only be a good plan.

Children would never whine. Again, no exceptions on this one.

I would be paid an hourly wage for this job I currently hold.

It would not be minimum wage.

I would have access to a jet and a spa so that my friends and I could go whenever we wanted and get a massage and pedicure.

I would have a beach house within a few minutes of the spa. Gotta be able to show off those new pedicures while sticking our toes in the sand and sipping a cold martini.

½ & ½ would automatically come out of the container and into my coffee, in just the right amount. The perfect amount if you will.

Caffeine would make you lose weight. Lots of it. As would brownies and chocolate chip cookie dough.

Mean people would fall through a trap door in the floor Scooby Doo style every time they acted like assholes. At the bottom of the trap door would be garbage. Weeks of rotted garbage. I’m guessing after a week or so of this plan, there would be a few less assholes in the world.

Stoli Vanilla Vodka would arrive at my home anytime I snapped my fingers. And a hot dude with washboard abs would be there to mix my drinks.

Home appliances would always work properly. Until you wanted a new one- then they would automatically be broken with no hope of repair.

Dogs would only be allowed to fart outside. Never in my bedroom while lying on MY bed. Shasta- this one is about you.

I would have an engineer on call to build the train tracks that my son desires. I admit to not having the brain capacity to do this. It only frustrates me. More so when the track falls apart 5 minutes after I walk out the room. Damn you, Thomas the tank engine!

I would have volumes of easy dinners at my disposal. They would be healthy and tasty. They would, of course, also cook themselves and I would always have the ingredients in my fridge or pantry.

Toy manufacturers would be restricted from placing twist ties of any kind on toy packaging. Any toy manufacturer caught placing even one (let alone the 27-50 they currently use) would be forced to spend the next Christmas day or birthday in the homes of small children everywhere, where they would be forced to get their own toys out of the freakin’ boxes.

Toy manufactures would also be forced to use the same battery rechargers, AC plugs, and remote controls for ALL TOYS. Do they have any clue at all what it is like to keep all of those stupid cords separate??

I would have never ending patience with my kids and husband. I’d never lose my temper or my grip on reality. I wouldn’t have to pretend to be excited about yet another game of Candyland or Chutes & Ladders, because they would actually be enjoyable to me (before you snort a -yeah right- at me, keep in mind the bit above about Vanilla Stoli and the hot guy mixing my drinks)

And there would definitely be world peace. All of the terrorists would be in the Scooby Doo trap doors, along with pedophiles, school shooters, kidnappers, etc. so we would have a peaceful and happy world.