no more what ifs....

there is a definite sense of finality in our home now. It's very weird. As soon as I gave birth to Ryan and they had to whisk him away to help him breathe in much the same manner that they did my first 2 children, I knew in my heart that I was done giving birth. Ry had the worst first week of life that any of them did. It seemed that whatever it was my body does to my babies just before birth that makes them have an obscure fever, low respiration, and general sleepy demeanor, was getting worse with each kid. Why take the chance that the next would be any worse? Aside from that, we definitely had the sense of "complete" after him. At least I did. I no longer felt like someone was missing. Probably because Ry is enough action for 3 kids on most days. We have been talking since then about the 'big snip' it just always seemed to get put off for one reason or another. Well it is put off no more. I won't say the v-word because Matt says I need to stop telling everyone about it. I'm not embarrassed, but for some reason he is, so I'll just leave you guessing about the v-word I am speaking of. Needless to say it is v-word that involves a lack of fertility in men :) But you didn't hear it from me.
So last night, 24 hrs post procedure, Matt looks over at me and says, "how does it feel to know you'll never worry about getting pregnant again?" And it hit me. Like a Mack truck, it hit me. Don't get me wrong, I didn't lose it and start crying over the child that will never be. But it was the first time I was washed over with that wave of finality. I don't know what I felt, it was just a weirdness. Knowing I'll never have to pee on a stick and cross my fingers again. It's just a weirdness. I don't know any other way to explain what it is.